


The Chocolate Frog War

by Leni Jess (Leni_Jess)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Birthday Presents, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-04
Updated: 2011-09-04
Packaged: 2017-10-23 10:02:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/249099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leni_Jess/pseuds/Leni%20Jess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The war is over, and Severus Snape is in Azkaban. With Chocolate Frogs. Could there be worse? Well, yes. Correspondence about them. Just what is really going on?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Chocolate Frog War

**Author's Note:**

> Not really crackfic, but comedy. Sort of.

Severus watched today's Chocolate Frog leaping frenetically around the cell, noting that it had lasted longer than yesterday's, and still seemed untiring. He had a small bet with himself: if it outlasted the very first (and his elapsed time sense was excellent), he would put the corpse out the door-flap with his dinner tray, as before; if not, he would eat it. Well, a little of it. He was probably suffering some magical stress here, after all, if only because he had been deprived of his wand for weeks, and chocolate was restorative. Pity he hated the stuff.

The frog wound down at last, and Severus had won his bet. He set the remains respectfully to one side and took out the Chocolate Frog card. One pleasure at a time.

Fortunately it was not Dumbledore's card again. One of those had ruined his day, yesterday. In a rage he had tossed the accompanying frog out through the high window for a passing seagull to catch, uncaring of the effect on its digestive system.

Then he had made himself read the card anyway. Anything to read was precious.

He had noted with disgust that the manufacturers had not updated the card. Too cheap to pay a Charms Master to upgrade their existing stock; too politically unaware to see the usefulness of printing a revised edition. Unless they were in the Ministry's pay. Even if an updated card was unlikely ever to say, 'He was murdered by his most loyal follower', or 'His crowning achievement was defeating the Dark Wizard who called himself Voldemort. He was aided by the luck of Harry Potter (collect the new Harry Potter card!), servant of the Prophecy, and the sacrifice of Severus Snape, servant of two masters and beloved of none'.

Severus reflected that the peace and quiet of Azkaban had not lessened his tendency to obsess about his relationships with Dumbledore and Potter, and pushed away those thoughts. Today's card, that was what he should concentrate on. Balfour Bane, founder of the Committee On Experimental Charms sometime in the early seventeenth century, proved to be good for an hour's meditation. That included fond recollection of several charms which no doubt many would have been pleased to see Warlock Bane encounter. Nothing was too good for busybodies like that.

His reverie was interrupted by the bell signalling the exercise hour. Severus got hastily to his feet, smoothing out his blankets, and was standing to attention by the door by the time the guard came by to release the lock.

Severus disapproved of being exercised like a horse, but it was a change from pacing between three stone walls and a stout wooden door.

When he returned to his cell he stripped and washed in the constant trickle of cold seawater coming from an open pipe in the outside wall, hanging up his robes and underwear to air dry on hooks on the wall intended for shackles, he suspected, then doing winding-down exercises to keep warm.

Only when he moved to the bed to use it for leg lifts did he notice the scrap of parchment on his pillow.

He snatched it up. Parchment was quite as rare as reading matter.

"25th March 2001

Snape

The Chocolate Frogs are provided to prisoners by the charity of Azkaban management and the manufacturers. They are good for you. It is unwise to refuse to eat them. Shape up! I have given you four replacement Chocolate Frogs (under your pillow). Eat them. And tomorrow's ration when it comes.

Whipple Hurley  
Guard, 3rd floor second left corridor, Azkaban"

Severus snarled and rooted out the sweet packets. It was unacceptable that disliking chocolate was seen as political incorrectness. The insistence suggested that the guard was moved by more than resentment of rejected charity. Had the Warden of Azkaban, or the Ministry, added something to the chocolate? Something that might help to replace the Dementors, that would make the guards feel more secure, with so many Death Eaters now imprisoned here? He certainly wasn't taking the risk of eating a substance with unknown effects on top of chocolate.

Severus rethought his concern for the seagulls' digestions.

He stripped away the packaging, set the cards aside, and watched grimly as the four frogs hopped around his cell. One was clearly defective; after a minute it fell into a huddle by the base of his bed and after a final disconcerting quiver moved no more. Two were competing, seeing which could jump further across the cell, and then along his bed. The fourth explored the cell, and finally, in a burst of enthusiasm, jumped from the collar of his robes to the windowsill high above his bed, passing through the bars and out of his life. A startled squawk suggested it had crossed flight paths with a seagull. Severus could not see what happened, but he was quite sure the seagull came out the winner.

While waiting for the competitors to run out of steam he collected the defective frog and tossed it out. Later he laid the other two, in acknowledgement of their proper behaviour, on the outside of the windowsill (which he could just reach with his fingertips by standing tiptoe on the bed, being a tall man). One of the perpetually greedy seagulls (or a passing gannet) or the weak North Sea sun would deal with them. If the latter, the melting chocolate would run down the outside wall rather than into his cell, thanks to the slope on the sill.

Prisoners collected oddments which might be of use. Severus had had no parchment, but he did have a DictaQuill some reporter had 'lost' (for which he had traded successful advice on dealing with severe chronic indigestion), and a short piece of iron broken off something unknown. It was too short to serve as a lever, but he had patiently smoothed and sharpened one end (one thing Azkaban was not short of was stone on which to rub rusting steel). He had intended it for a defensive weapon, but it would serve to scrape parchment down.

He tackled Guard Hurley's missive, scraping the offensive words from the surface, then used his fingernails to buff it smooth for writing. He wondered how high the exaggeration factor had been set on the DictaQuill, and smirked. His own vitriol, enhanced by the Quill, might have a remarkable effect. Not that it needed enhancement. And not that it would be sensible to tell Hurley what he really thought. He frowned at the Quill in a minatory way and began dictating. It must have been cowed, or have belonged to an honest man; it wrote exactly what he said.

"25th March 2001

Guard Hurley

Your interest is acknowledged. Please receive four Chocolate Frog wrappers. Please also note that my bowels are now profoundly disarranged, due to their inability to process chocolate. True charity would not force prisoners to experience additional agonies beyond those provided by the Azkaban kitchen. Please refrain from providing any more.

Severus Snape"

In due course he set the parchment, folded around the four wrappers, on his outgoing meal tray.

The next day after exercise there was another parchment on his pillow, ominously bulky.

Five Chocolate Frogs, and another message.

"26th March 2001

Snape

The Security Charms report melted chocolate on the wall below your window, and evidence of several seagulls defecating in brown rather than white. This might be a coincidence, but in case it's not I have provided you with four replacement Chocolate Frogs, and today's Frog.

Eat your ration. Do not oblige me to report you to the Warden.

Whipple Hurley  
Guard, 3rd floor second left corridor, Azkaban"

Severus scowled, though it was helpful to have a better idea of how much detail the Security Charms picked up.

After the evening meal he released his five frogs out of the tray flap and held it closed, listening to the faint sounds of their hopping away. Then he put the wrappers under his used dinner bowl, along with a response to Hurley's threatening note.

"26th March 2001

Guard Hurley

I hope I shall not have to complain to the Warden of uproarious bowels due to the injurious application of Chocolate Frogs, thanks to your intransigence, which amounts to malicious torture. He is answerable to the wizarding public as well as to the Ministry and the Wizangemot for the welfare of the prisoners in his charge, and, being aware of this, would deplore your exposing him to a Ministry enquiry into treatment of prisoners. The Malfoy Enquiry would have been enough for him, I should think.

Severus Snape  
Potions Master and expert witness to the Wizangemot"

Hurley did not wait until after exercise for his next salvo. Severus's breakfast tray included six Chocolate Frogs and another note – charmingly thoughtless of the information it let slip.

"27th March 2001

Snape

While the guard charms have not reported any more discarded Chocolate Frogs, I haven't seen any evidence of your bowels (more than usual), uproarious or not. I suspect therefore that you have illicitly disposed of your ration rather than consuming it in the proper manner.

Eat your Chocolate Frogs. The Warden will not be swayed by malicious innuendo.

Whipple Hurley  
Guard, 3rd floor second left corridor, Azkaban"

So the frogs released into the wild of the Azkaban corridors had not been detected. Either that, or they had entered other cells and been eaten by the residents. Severus wondered if he could get away with that again. It might be better to vary his methods. It might also be more fun to accept the challenge of refusing the frogs without being caught at it. The window. The door. That left the hole in the floor that was his waste pipe and toilet bowl in one.

Severus had tossed one frog down it, having decided to space their disposal out, before he thought it might be wise to make the frogs look more like what usually went down the waste pipe. His trusty bit of sharpened iron did a good job on frogs whose texture was much solider in Azkaban that at Hogwarts.

A side benefit of this game was that he had far more Chocolate Frog cards to read than he would have had if he were a good little prisoner, eating noxious substances on demand. In between throwing finely diced frog down the waste pipe Severus caught up on his daily reading. One of the cards was indeed a Harry Potter card, which asserted that the Boy-Who-Lived had four times defeated Voldemort. Severus counted on his fingers and finally admitted that that was not an unreasonable interpretation of events – save that only the final defeat was of lasting value. That at least he and every other wizard and witch could be sure of. Even reading about Potter's exploits could not sour his mood today, however.

By dinner time he had decided what to do with tomorrow's donation. A pity, really; one less challenge for tomorrow. He should be more self-disciplined about his pleasures.

He placed the six wrappers on the tray as usual.

There was no note from Hurley in the morning, or after exercise, though he found one Chocolate Frog under his pillow. A bit of a disappointment, having to put only one wrapper on the tray that night. The man was too easy. Still, one Chocolate Frog might be regarded as a rarity by those of his fellow prisoners who enjoyed chocolate. Not that he could do anything with this one beyond releasing it.

The next day, however, there was another bundle on his bed. One parchment, check, and no less than ten Chocolate Frogs. Making up for lost time. The note clarified the situation: Hurley had had the day off.

"29th March 2001

Snape

What have you been up to on my day off, you sneaky sod? I _know_ you didn't eat those frogs. Here is an extra serving. Eat them, or else.

Be grateful I haven't reported your misbehaviour.

Whipple Hurley  
Guard, 3rd floor second left corridor, Azkaban"

After dinner Severus put on his tray one Chocolate Frog wrapper and a brief note.

"29th March 2001

Guard Hurley

Herewith proof of consumption of my daily ration. I refuse to eat the additional Chocolate Frogs your spite has supplied, although you know they make me ill.

Severus Snape"

A pity, Severus thought, that in order to respond to Hurley he had to destroy the evidence of Hurley's malice. If this went as far as the Warden, and if the Warden was interested in justice, there was always Veritaserum. Severus was quite willing to wager he had more experience handling that than the 3rd floor second left corridor guard did.

Since there was a single Chocolate Frog on his breakfast tray (which suggested Hurley wasn't quite as sure of the prisoner's non-compliance as he said), Severus slipped it into his robes pocket along with the others before he went to exercise.

There he conducted a successful auction, in minimalist nods and whispers. Quite a number of prisoners were eager for more than one Chocolate Frog a day. Severus had seen no sign of any of their personalities or behaviours being altered, but the last thing he was prepared to believe in was charity in the administration of Azkaban. Someone else could take the risk of finding out what the hidden motives were.

Most of his frogs he took promises for, but in exchange for three Chocolate Frogs he accepted from Macnair a small thin blade, far sharper than anything his piece of iron could ever be made into. He was careful to let it be seen that he spread his frogs widely, rather than allowing any prisoner with greater resources to deprive the rest of any chance of one. Augustus Rookwood had wanted to have all of them, and offered an excellent price, but Severus wasn't falling into the trap of pleasing one man and angering many.

He took the opportunity to warn Draco Malfoy to be careful in his frog consumption, and suggested the waste pipe was the best place for them, suitably rendered down. By the time the war was over Draco had learned a great deal more about offensive potions than he had at Hogwarts. He listened, clearly a little horrified at the risk he might have been been taking, and agreed that Chocolate Frogs were best eaten as a free man, bought from a reliable source, like Honeyduke's. Draco would pass the word to Millicent Bulstrode, who was in the cell next to his, and to Blaise Zabini, neither of whom (unlike himself and Draco) had ever done more than hold currently unpopular opinions. And belong to Slytherin House. At least none of the younger children Severus had once been responsible for had been shoved into Azkaban on general principles, even if all the survivors of Draco's year and the three years before them were imprisoned.

The next day Hurley appeared to have decided to take unfair advantage, or to escalate their war for want of enough wits to catch his prisoner disobeying him. There were four Chocolate Frogs on Severus's breakfast tray, and a parchment which clearly was not a note from Hurley himself: clean, sharp-edged, neatly folded, sealed with purple wax. Severus's lip curled at the ostentation of sealing a letter to a prisoner at all.

"From the office of the Warden of Azkaban

31st March 2001

Prisoner 72913 (aka Severus Prince Snape)

Be advised that refusing your daily allocation of Chocolate Frogs will be regarded as wilful and malicious insubordination, to be punished appropriately, if it continues. Eat this ration of four frogs, making up for previous neglect, and hereafter consume your allowance, or come under my severe disapproval.

Richard Hayhoe  
Warden of Azkaban"

That evening he sent a reply on a slip trimmed from the bottom of the Warden's letter (though he was careful to tear it off by hand, not using either Macnair's knife or his own cruder piece of sharpened iron).

"31st March 2001

Richard Hayhoe  
Warden of Azkaban

Sir

I appeal against the unsubstantiated malice of Guard Whipple Hurley, who has no proof of his allegations that I am refusing my Chocolate Frog ration. Moreover, I object to being forced by him to eat more than the one a day which is officially required. I am willing to consume that one a day, despite the damage it is doing to my sensitive digestive system. The day before yesterday, however, he gave me ten, which has seriously upset me.

Please ensure that your guards do their duty, rather than allowing them to abuse helpless prisoners.

Severus Prince Snape"

Severus had employed a broad definition of 'consume', but there was no need to tell the Warden that.

Next day it was plain that the Warden was not interested in justice, the prisoner's side of things, or the prisoner's health and welfare. Or possibly he was just deeply cynical about anything prisoners said. There was another fancy piece of parchment on his breakfast tray. No doubt it was admirable that the man worked until after the prisoners' dinner hour and started before their breakfast was served. Severus was not grateful for his dedication.

"From the office of the Warden of Azkaban

31st March 2001, 7 am

Prisoner 72913 (aka Severus Prince Snape)

If you continue to refuse to obey orders given for your good, you will be force-fed. Guard Hurley has volunteered for this duty. Guards Monroe and Clevis will assist. Before going down to exercise, you will eat your daily ration under their supervision.

Richard Hayhoe  
Warden of Azkaban"

By the time the three guards were at his door Severus had found no way out of the impasse. That he was being defeated by superior force was no consolation. He therefore opened the packet Hurley gave him and, without allowing the frog any chance to escape, bit off its head and in rapid succession its limbs, before stuffing the body into his mouth and chewing on the lot, swallowing and grimacing. He doubled up gasping, clutching his throat and his belly for effect, and surreptitiously spat much of his mouthful down his sleeve. He was careful to stay away from the waste pipe.

One of the other guards demanded sceptically, "Why does it make you sick before it even gets to your gut?"

Still choking and swallowing convulsively, not all for show, now, Severus said indistinctly, "Whole body sensitised." More choking, with irregular heavy breathing added. Severus thought he might genuinely be sick in his attempt to swallow down as little chocolate as possible. He added, "Like bee stings. Or sneezing in haying season, only worse."

The guards made sceptical noises, but did not force him to try to eat another frog. So he had got away with it. Severus wasn't sure how often he could do that without choking on an excess of chocolate, however.

He had no Chocolate Frogs to trade that day, and a disinclination to argue about it. Fortunately Macnair supported him, out of hope for a favoured position next time Chocolate Frogs were available.

Severus was truly angry that evening when another parchment from the Warden was on his dinner tray. Had not this morning's humiliation and discomfort been enough? He tore it open with little regard for reusability.

"From the office of the Warden of Azkaban

31st March 2001, 6 pm

Prisoner 72913 (aka Severus Prince Snape)

I have been advised that yesterday you gave several Chocolate Frogs to other prisoners in exchange for unknown considerations. Tomorrow, you will be force-fed your daily ration. You will not participate in group exercise for ten days. As punishment for illegal trading you will spend those ten days in shackles.

Richard Hayhoe  
Warden of Azkaban"

Severus had thought he had identified all the Warden's sneaks, advised by prisoners of longer standing, the information confirmed by his own observations. Perhaps someone really resented not getting an extra Chocolate Frog. Perhaps someone had already been affected by eating adulterated Chocolate Frogs, so that he did what he would normally not have chosen to do. If that were so, Hayhoe at least would guess it. What other changes for the worse could the prisoners expect?

Damn Hurley, and triple damn Hayhoe. They were cheating. Sadistic bastards. Perhaps Hayhoe knew that the Wizangemot was secretly considering the substantial evidence of his assistance to Potter and to the Order of the Phoenix, and wanted to get in quickly with a little sly revenge before it was too late. Perhaps Hayhoe wanted an Example for the other prisoners.

Now he had to look forward to ten days in chains, chilled to the bone because he could not move about enough to keep warm, half-crippled by having to sleep huddled up against the wall, and to having Chocolate Frog stuffed down his throat with maximum violence and unpleasantness. He doubted, however, if Guards Hurley, Monroe and Clevis could, with the best will in the world, come up with violence and unpleasantness comparable to Voldemort's. Severus Snape would survive, as he always did, and perhaps even get a little revenge of his own, some day.

He was to have one last night in his own bed, it seemed.

Just before lights out, while he was still discontentedly fretting over what he might do to improve his position, yet another parchment slid through the tray flap in the door. Severus snatched it up, at once incandescent with resentful fury, and thought about ripping it to shreds unread. Then self-protective wisdom intervened, he forced himself to calm down a little, and looked at what he held in his hands. A roll of parchment tied with a piece of clean white string. Hardly Hayhoe's style.

Carefully he picked apart the knot in the string and unrolled the parchment. Blank. His eyes narrowed. Was someone playing games with him? No. That would be a waste of time, when they were winning.

He ran sensitive fingertips over the parchment, feeling for the traces of a quill, wondering how he was supposed to make invisible ink appear with no (or almost no) potions resources, not even lemon juice. As if Azkaban ever saw a lemon. Letters started to appear under his fingers, so he brushed his palm over the parchment. No change. He ran the pad of one finger in a broad swipe across the centre, where parts of letters showed. Where his finger had been, whole words appeared. How very distrustful of someone. And how intelligent. Good spellwork, to tie readability to something unique to him. His childhood among Muggles was far in the past, and on the whole unregretted, but he did remember the use Muggles made of fingerprints. A little work brought the whole message up. Very different from Hayhoe's style in its wording as well as its presentation.

"31st March 2001

Dear Professor Snape

Do not tear, crumple, burn, twist, pierce or otherwise damage this parchment.

Keep it on your person at all times.

Yours sincerely

HJG  
Azkaban Retrieval Section, OotP 2"

Why was that first exhortation vaguely familiar? Some other half-remembered Muggle thing, probably, since those were Granger's initials, and her hand-writing. Severus had been through twenty odd years of students, but some hands he could still recognise: the best, the worst, the most irritating. Granger in her way had notably been all three. He admired her message dispassionately. It gave away nothing of her specific intentions, though it flaunted her purpose.

And what was this Order of the Phoenix 2? Potter's declaration of independence, probably, asserting his ownership of what had been Dumbledore's followers. Those who cared to follow him into whatever the new Order was would do so, and those who resisted could rot. And probably would, given the way the Order had conducted itself over the last year of the war. Some of its members had been effective, and assisted Potter; a couple even assisted Snape himself; but the group itself had been useless, and at times worse than useless.

Well. If Granger (or more likely Potter) could get him out of here before the Wizangemot made up its mind he would take his freedom at their hands, and leave it to Potter to square the Wizangemot. He doubted if there would be any need to reconcile the Ministry to his escape. With the Ministry in disarray and fighting over who should take over from Scrimgeour still continuing, no one of significance would pay attention to the premature release of a man the Wizangemot had better damn well keep its word to, even if that word had been given by a woman five years dead. Amelia Bones had not survived to become Minister (as she should have done) but her influence was still strong with many of its members. Severus Snape had had enough of waiting for the rule of law to get him out of here.

He rolled the parchment up into an even narrower cylinder than Granger had, tied it with the cord, and slid it carefully into a long narrow pocket sewn into his robes' inner seams, meant for a spare wand, and empty for weeks. Macnair's little knifeblade occupied the shorter pocket concealed beside it.

Now to see if Granger was able to keep _her_ word. He hoped she would do it soon; speculating on how they had managed to get a parchment into Azkaban was maddening enough. Trying to work out how Granger, or Potter, would get in, and get him out, would drive him crazy.

"Azkaban Retrieval Section" sounded as if Granger's intentions extended beyond one ex-Potions master, double-agent, murderer and spy. He was reasonably confident Draco Malfoy too would be retrieved, given everything Draco had done for Potter once he had understood both what Voldemort was like and what he wanted. He had spied on Voldemort, even if he could not influence his decisions as Snape sometimes had had the chance to do. He wondered, though, how many of his essentially harmless Slytherins would get out of here, as they deserved to.

He wondered, too, how long it would take for Potter to decide that Harry Potter, Minister of Magic, sounded well. Potter could hardly do worse than Fudge, Scrimgeour, or the three Ministry heavies who were fighting over the chance to take control of the wizarding world. He supposed that for his Slytherins and for continued, and less stressful, peace and quiet, and the opportunity to go his own way in some things, he might even support Potter. There would be a price for his Slytherins, and maybe for himself and Draco as well, but Severus Snape had known almost from birth that nothing was free, and that the buyer's need rather than true value set prices. He would pay whatever was required of him. However little Potter still liked him, Granger would ensure the price was not too extortionate. She at least knew the value of his willing service, even in this changed world without Voldemort.

* * * *

Whipple Hurley was irritated by not finding Snape's breakfast tray on the corridor floor where it should be. An hour later, accompanied by Monroe and Clevis, who were looking forward to this, he slammed open the cell door. The chains and shackles were draped over his shoulder (with a Featherweight Charm they would not bear once Snape was wearing them), and all three of them had their wands out.

The cell was empty. Neat. Conspicuous on the bed were an untouched breakfast tray, a solitary Chocolate Frog still in its wrapper, and a parchment folded square, addressed to Warden Hayhoe. Ignoring the address, he unfolded it. It read, "1 April 2001." That was all. A minute or so later he mentally filled in the blank. " _April Fool_." He swallowed, and let the other two read it.

Monroe said plaintively, "But you _can't_ get out of Azkaban!"

"Tell that to Snape," Hurley answered, wondering what the Security Charms would show, if anything. He tried not to ask himself what the Warden would say. He knew, though, that they should have force-fed Snape Chocolate Frogs right from the start. Then the man could not have done this to him.

* * * *

Severus knew he had lost the battle with Hurley and Hayhoe, but he did not blame Granger for pulling him out of it before he had a chance to develop a strategy that might enable him to win the war. There were more important things to worry about. Now he had a Potions workroom with full facilities to investigate the one Chocolate Frog he had brought away from Azkaban. It looked as if he might also have Harry Potter's support to complain to the Wizangemot about it, if his suspicions were proved to be correct. Given the extent of Potter's on-going war with the Ministry, that would be a minor skirmish, and one Potter might well enjoy conducting. So would the Wizangemot, dissatisfied as they were with the men who had failed them as Ministers.

Damn. Now Severus Snape had a third master, and was as little loved as ever. However this one, at least, had a good record for looking after his adherents, to say nothing of a walking conscience in Granger, however little she worried about the appropriateness of her own actions. Severus supposed a too great change in his environment might be very uncomfortable, however much he might have liked to try it. He would settle for what he could have.

~~~The End~~~

**Author's Note:**

> Written 21 May 2006 for cutecoati's birthday (22 May). Beta-read by my sister and brother (noble souls).
> 
> There may be some resemblance to that delightful urban legend, the "little soaps" story, where a hotel guest was forced to correspond with the staff on how he wanted his piles of little soaps stacked up, because they kept bringing _more_. If you don't know it, hunt it up, and have some cleansing laughter. When I decided to write a story for the coati, I remembered this, and asked myself: Who can I do that to? With what? In what circumstances? Then it got away from me.


End file.
